I Don’t Like My Life- All I want is Death

Nasrin’s heas was covered with her white scarf.  The beautiful smile that normally welcomed each morning volunteer had been replaced by a blank stare towards the ground.  I bent my knees to look her in the eyes as she sat in her wheelchair.  Before going to the volunteer room to put away my bag, instead of chatting with the ladies while doing laundry, I took the brake off of the large right wheel and took Nasrin to a quieter area to the side.

To begin, she wasn’t talking and her eyes looked glazed over.  She had heard that I had gone to the hospital for my ankle Monday and was worried about my health.  I showed her the “suction cup” sock thing and said how grateful for no broken bones in the X-ray.

Conversations this week have been interesting and challenging- the type that make your blood hot and make you question the world.  Nasrin and I are a lot more alike than you would think which creates long conversations about deep issues.  Maybe Nasrin thought my health would keep me away, that she would lose her best friend, that another person she loved would be gone.  Maybe the Easter visit from a male Indian friend brought up thoughts about what her life would be like now that she was a resident at Prem Dan rather than a teacher of reading and writing to little children a year ago.  Current situations and people we come across bring up the best and the worse of the past and make us rethink our future.

Life is never the same when you or a loved one get’s sick.  Nasrin has written her family a letter, but it doesn’t seem like they will have much contact with her now that she lives outside the home.  Her father had a stroke a few years back and her mother takes care of him.  With the paralization taking over her hips and legs within the last year, I’m guessing it was too much forher mother to handle.  Nasrin doesn’t talk about them much and tries to change the subject when people ask about her parents.  It seems with their lack of contact or any expression of love towards her, she has decided to forget them because of the seperation.

Nasrin also wants to forget someone else.  A year ago, her boyfriend went into her room while she was sleeping and took advantage of the situation.  She told him to leave physically, but she was so emotionally attached to him that he hasn’t left her thoughts.

Her mind has been filled with thoughts of despair, of being useless and needy, and a lack of any value.  “I have to ask someone to get me water or food, to lift me onto my bed, to help me go to the bathroom.  I can’t do anything for myself.  I pray that God will take me away.  I don’t like my life; all I want is death. Pray that I will die”

My heart sunk so low as I asked her to repeat what she had said thinking maybe I had heard her wrong.  I tightened my grip on her hands as I listened another 20 minutes as her soul poured out from her lips.  Before me sat this brilliant young woman who had this way with making volunteers happy and welcomed.  Oh, but how easy it is for our emotions to get the best of us in our time of weakness.

If you are a woman, it doesn’t matter where you live, a relationship with a man is something desired.  The thought of never getting married or having children, which she dearly loves kids, was depressing for Nasrin.  Therefore, she couldn’t get the boyfriend out of her thoughts even though it had ended badly.  Sometimes we look over the terribly wrong and grasp in thin air for false hope. With the combination of facing her fears and how gloomy the future looks in the moment, Nasrin felt darkness taking over and a hopeless tomorrow.

We have talked about God before and she was erading her Bible when I arived.  Although I’m not one for cheesy talks about God, I knew my hurting friend needed to hear truth.  I’ve seen too many people get depressed and shut themselves off from the world.  Maybe God had me come in today to revive what she was losing.  I wish I could remember what all was shared, but  I can’t.

In those times where darkness surrounds us, those very vulnerable times, we are being attacked mentally and emotionally.  It may be easier to deal if it is a temporary physical attack such as an ankle injury, but that’s because we can see the damage with our own eyes and prove to others by showing them by showing the swelling.  An attack to our mind and soul makes us feel crazy and alone.  We must remember that there is this whole spiritual realm we cannot see (yet is easy to forget and then makes it feel like people are attacking us for no good reason).  We are emotional beings and of course Satan would purposefully  bring about people who say and treat us in hurtful ways along our path.  They are the boyfriends that take advantage of a situation, the family that doesn’t come around leaving us with feelings of abandonment, the person we hold in high esteem yet for  some reason or another tears us apart.  I’ve had people say awful things to me that to some extent hurt dearly.  I must refuse to accept it as a personal attack and remember that there is the spiritual battle going on.  Satan knows our emotions play such a large role and he’ll do whatever he can to surround us with darkness that makes us doubt God.

Oh, how I felt the darkness these last couple of weeks.  Nasrin thought she was alone on this one, but I related all too well.  After two months, I am questioning all the more.  After conversations with the director of an NGO here and our Servant Team Leader, I am all the more confused.  More questions build as I pray and over analyze every little thing.  Questions of what am I doing, what is my role, how do I adapt to a situation which I had been under the impression of different circumstances, why doesn’t God answer prayers when I am giving him my total faith and trust, how much more training do I need to not be looked at as a naive 12 year old, how do I make the best of the situation at hand, what is God trying to teach me, where is my place in the scheme of things, I want to learn and be challenged yet don’t feel as though I am, how do you deal with feeling useless and pushed aside in a culture not your own… What do you do when you don’t like your life and all you want is for it to end?  I did read that one of the side effects of my malaria pills is severe depression and suicide.  I’m not  suicidal or anything but the questions keep coming.

I think we get attacked even more when we are questioning ourselves.  It’s hard to see the hope and the love of God when we are doubting our purpose in life.  I had to remind Nasrin about the light within her and how even in the darkness, she is a light to others.  She is inviting to others and people are drawn to her.  Although she may not be able to have a full time job, there is a school on the property and maybe she could teach the children there to read and write.  Yes, her life isn’t turning out the way she had expected and a lot of her dreams won’t happen which sucks majorly and is tough to deal with, but there is hope in the God that loves us and gave us abilities that we don’t even know about.

Of course this isn’t coming out as elequently as it could have had I written it down right afterwards, but it was a beautiful and passionate talk.  We laughed at the end and I decided to pray that God will bring her joy and hope… and she decided she would pray that I would get a boyfriend.  She grimaced and smiled as she described him as “smart, tall, and mind blowing (who says that!).  Crazy, crazy for Sandi…” and it was so real and humorous.  If I could, I would take her back to the states and eventually “Sandi’s kids will call me auntie and I will love them very much!”

I pray that she will find joy and purpose as she lives in Prem Dan.  Nasrin is scared that once I leave that I will forget her, but that will not be the case for she has a deep place in my heart and has brought tears to my eyes multiple tiems.  When our heads are down and we stare down blankly into the darkness, God brings a little glimmer of light by gently fanning some fresh air our way.

Best Friends at Prem Dan

2 thoughts on “I Don’t Like My Life- All I want is Death

  1. Deb Taylor says:

    My Dear Firend,
    You have grown so much since the first time I met you. Teach your firend about God’s love and grace…..it can remove the thought of wanting to die. Every time I had a bad thought I had to replace it with help….prayer. I am praying for you……I am going to Belize in May.

    Deb Taylor

  2. Dear Sandi,

    I want to encourage both you and your friend. I am still waiting for my husband too, and I have desired children. God has not given me children through birth, but I am very blessed to have many, many, many children. I consider you one of them. No, I did not give you birth but God has allowed me to be a part of your life over the years and to see you grow physically but mostly in Him. I am soooooo blessed to be the little part of your life that I have been.

    One day while I was reading in Isaiah I read Ch 54:1-17. I have been barren but I have had to enlarge my tent, because I am soooo blessed with way to many children to count. And v. 4 I am not afraid nor ashamed, for the Lord is my Husband, cont…, v. 10 yes the mountains have shaken and some have been removed, yet His love, kindness, peace and compassion has always, always, always been there for me and I know for you both as well.

    I started out as a teacher here in Alaska and yes that was even removed from me for a time, but during those times He filled it with wonderful children like you Sandy. Remember Joseph how God gave him a promise and it kept being removed. Which looked like God was allowing, to hurt him. But God was only preparing him for his ultimate destiny, and God did not ever leave him or forsake him. He was there ALL the time and through EACH step.

    God also has put me back in the teaching field, which I truly love, PLUS I still have so many children I get to baby-sit, five of them are under three years old. Tuesday, I went to the airport in Anch. to pick up one family with four of the children. Abby, who is almost 3, saw me and threw her arms open wide and she had a huge smile on her face and in her eyes. With her binky still in her mouth she ran to me and yelled “Patti”. Her brother (1 1/2), behind her, when he saw me from his stroller, had his arms stretched out as wide as he could get them and a huge smile on his face. He can’t say Patti yet. He is scheduled for ear surgery within the next couple of weeks to have tubes put in because he has had a lot of ear problems. The other two were sleeping, but I got my hugs and kisses when they woke up.

    I still believe that God has a special earthly husband for me, and I am not TOO OLD and you and your friend are not even half as old as I am. I haven’t given up and don’t you either. I am not sure how long they will let me make this, but this morning I was reading on the Elijahlist.org a prophecy that I copied part of and pasted below.

    I believe it is for you and your friend. You are in a place of pressure, a narrow place like a birth canal. You are being squeezed and pressured on all sides, but you will come out into to larger open place of love, joy, and freedom. Like in vs. 15-17 the enemy has tried, and tried, over and over to destroy me and wear me down. But NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME HAS PROSPERED!!!! EVER!!!!! It may seem so at the time and even for a while afterwards but to no avail!!

    “At the Threshold of Breakthrough

    I’m pressing through for my breakthrough and miracle, are you? However, it is clear that in order to move into our enlarged place, we must pass through the narrow place and go through a new gate. In fact, we must cross over the threshold to receive breakthrough. Keep in mind that as we read now about the threshold, the doorposts of our heart also involve a threshold, a gate and a narrow place. Remember, Jesus knocks at the doors of our hearts. A door can also be considered a gate, and each has a threshold. Therefore any new revelation God speaks needs to be received by our hearts.

    As we seek His Kingdom revelation, we must press into it! Luke 16:16 says this: “The law and the prophets were until John. Since that time the Kingdom of God has been preached, and everyone is pressing into it” (emphasis added). Therefore we realize that the revelation that John had concerning the Good News and his fresh revelation of the Kingdom must all be “pressed into.” We cannot receive present truth revelation without enduring the press.

    The word threshold comes from the same root word in the Hebrew for pethen and it means to twist as a snake (Strong’s #6620). As you can see, it is close to the spelling of the snake python, which squeezes the life and breath from its victims. Talk about a “pressing”!
    In fact, in Acts 16:16 when Paul and Silas were on their journey, they encountered a girl who operated in divination. Divination is the name python which is described as “python.” (Strong’s #4436). I know I’m pounding this in a bit, but I need for you to understand that the lying, seductive snake sits at the threshold of your breakthrough. Its plan is to apply so much pressure that you are pressed, stressed, depressed and at the point of giving up.

    I am reminded of Samson who did not handle well the pressure of a seductive spirit. Remember the story? Samson was pressed by his wife for seven days until he finally told her the riddle concerning the lion and honey. His wife used her seductive words to pry out Samson’s secrets. Delilah did the same. Scripture says that Delilah “pressed him daily” for his secret. Samson gave in to the wiles of the enemy. He was one who had so much unfulfilled potential, yet allowed the craftiness of the enemy to steal his entrance to enlargement.

    I have discussed the seductions of Jezebel, Athaliah and Delilah in my latest book, Breaking the Threefold Demonic Cord, which can be ordered through The ElijahList. If you are struggling with pressure and distress and know it is time for your breakthrough, you need this book!
    Dear ones, we also have too much potential to waste or to have stolen. Don’t allow the pressure at the narrow place to cause you to throw in the towel! At your threshold, apply the Blood of Jesus and break forth into enlargement. Remember your covenant promises, and go through the gate of increase!

    Prophetic Word and Prayer

    I hear the Lord say to you that, “This is your month to receive great faith. Do not focus on the darkness about you, nor on the narrow place. I am revealing mysteries in this hour. These mysteries and revelations will challenge your mindsets and your thinking processes. Your heart will be challenged during this season. Do not allow your hearts to become hardened. Do not be confused and question My desires. I will empower you to keep pressing for victory and for your future. I am your Redeemer and I desire to redeem you from your past. Do not allow your vision or hope to be stuck in the narrow place. Press through and you will find yourself in a place of enlargement and great fulfillment.”

    Allow me to pray for you: Father, I pray for each reader today. I know that it is Your will to bring Heaven to Earth. As Heaven gets closer and miracles become more tangible, the devil gets angrier. I bind the seductive plans of the enemy from every reader. I take authority over his evil words and plans. I bind distress, stress, trauma and pressure which would attempt to hold His children captive. I come into agreement with every Believer and agree that Jezebel, Athaliah and Delilah will not be able to press them out of their destiny. I loose each person into joy and enlargement. In the mighty name of Jesus. Amen.

    Sandie Freed
    Zion Ministries
    Email: zionministries1@sbcglobal.net

    I love you Sandi and I am sooooo mightily Blessed to see the beautiful, YES BEAUTIFUL! Loving, Caring, Thoughtful, Young woman, and CHERISHED daughter and MIGHTY servant of the MOST HIGH GOD!!! I will continue to pray for you and all those precious women and children Jehovah sends along your path.

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